Is there someone in your life who you secretly, hopefully, would like to see change..?
Maybe you’d like your spouse to communicate more deeply with you, beyond the daily ‘surface’ chatter.
Maybe you’re hoping your son will show more interest in sports. Any sport.
Maybe you’re willing your daughter to be more extroverted and less reclusive.
We’re human here, part of which is wanting to exert control over our own lives, and invariably, the lives of our other ‘important humans.’
Sometimes we can convince ourselves we’re not trying to change others. We employ subversive techniques that can be written off as ‘you just being you.’ Loud, random monologues (lectures?) about self-determinism. Bustling with dramatic busyness in front of our spouse flaked on the couch. Suggesting your daughter take-up leadership roles she’s uncomfortable in.
Let’s be real, we’re not fooling anyone.
Our important others can see our will to change them like a stampeding bull with a neon sign on our heads…”You WILL change… I’m gonna make ya!”
But if we break it down, anytime we feel an urge to change another, what we’re really doing is acting on an unseen value we hold as important.
You wonder where your spouse is at; are they happy? Are you both still happy?
You’re worried about your son fitting in; you don’t want them to be excluded.
You know how smart your daughter is, you don’t want her to be held back in any way.
Before supporting the people we care about, we need to trace our root values. If we can identify WHY we seek change, we usually negate the need to influence anyone.
Because we understand that what we really need to do is to connect. To meet our people exactly where they are.
From that source of unwavering, unconditional regard, we give our important people an unseen, but nonetheless palpable sense of space.
When we love them exactly where they’re at, they, in the words of De Bono, sense it;
“I’m okay. You’re okay.”